Paizley's Gift

You know that moment when you finally break down from something you’ve been trying to stay strong about for a really long time? That moment when the floodgates can no longer hold all of the emotions that pound behind it and they finally just burst open? I let that gate fall down today when Ryan text me that he is moving back to Texas. We’ve been broken up and moving on for seven months now and I have not cried once. I have not had one of those nights where I have lay in bed and cried myself to sleep, not one single night. I’ve never been overly emotional about us no longer being together, much to Ryan’s disappointment. Leaving Ryan was probably the best decision I have ever made. But when I got that text, it all let loose.

Most of it was guilt. I feel a tremendous amount of guilt for the manor in which I forced Ryan out. Yes, I allowed him to stay until he found a place to lay his head at night, but I sent him packing with next to nothing. I sent him on his way in a fit of bitterness and in the meantime, arranged my home how I had always imagined it would be had I not married Ryan and had I not been forced to live with his terrible sense of decorating. Here I was, having acquired my pie in the sky, content, happy, and free for the first time in three years. I. Was. Me. Meanwhile, Ryan, being the eternal pessimist that he is, struggled and wallowed and rebelled, which is how he spent most of our relationship, so no surprise there. Only, I wasn’t there to dig him out this time. I held a secret hole in my heart for Riley though, one in which I could not let myself succumb to. I made the decision that I should probably let him go, thinking it would be better for him and for me.

Upon coming back to the house several times to grab his things, Ryan literally begged me to give to him some various kitchen supplies including pots and pans, HIS knives, silverware and some of HIS utensils. I remember feeling sorry for the first time for what I had done, remembering in my mind that the trash cans in the house in which I was still using were his from before we got together and he never once asked for those back. They are still in my house to this moment. I think about all the things I take for granted when I am settled into a home: Saran wrap, garbage bags, nice towels, sheets, a bed, forks and knives, toothpaste, Excedrin… and I think about the fact that he had none of those things and had to swallow his pride and ask for a few. I think about how he asked me if I could put some of the things from the medicine cabinet in a bag for him to pick up and I left it outside my front door, not wanting to see him. I think about how I made him get rid of a lot of things that he had on his own because they were worn, ugly, and old or mostly not to my liking, and so when I kicked him out and only allowed him to take what was his, he had little to bring and call his own. I feel bad.

Though he didn’t swallow his pride when he was drunk, belligerent and calling me a cunt at the lightrail station the night I realized I was finally going to end it.  He didn’t think about my wants or needs when he was sending naked pictures of himself to another woman. He wasn’t feeling bad when he was making every attempt to get her to meet him to seal the deal and really cheat on me. Nor did he swallow his pride and fess up when I caught him red handed; not until he knew he couldn’t convince me of his lies. He never felt bad when he had me paying all of our bills and was asking to go to Vegas in the same breath he was telling me he couldn’t find a job to save his life.

I guess it really gets to me that I am sad for him. I am so torn because part of me wants to have some compassion for his situation and the fact that he has hit rock bottom. The other half of me thinks it serves him right for being a selfish, uncaring, rude, negative asshole. The worst part is that he will be leaving Riley and no matter how much dislike I have for Ryan and the way he treated me as his wife, there will always be sadness in me for the fact that he will have to be away from the number one person in his life.

So today is a sad day indeed. I miss my little Riley so very much and am second-guessing my decision to quietly step out of his life. It was a tough one and I don’t believe there to be any right answer. I hope we can all find peace somehow. Maybe that can be Paizley’s gift to us.

Paizley: The Greatest Sacrifice

I still think about you every single day. Just because I don’t write about you doesn’t mean you aren’t still in my mind and my heart. A lot has gone on lately, little darling. You know. Your daddy is gone from my life. He may not have known how to show you he loved you, but please princess, watch over him. You are a part of him.

I know you watch over me and I know you still hear me when I talk to you. I know you wipe my tears when I think of you. I know you’re wiping my tears right now. Sometimes I feel you whispering in my ear. Who needs intuition when you have a tiny little angel? I hope I am making you proud. I hope that with every thing I do, your heart lights up the heavens with joy. I hope I can do your little life justice by doing well in mine. If I couldn’t bring life to you, I can at least bring more life to me and I’m focused on doing just that, baby girl, I really am.

I’m dating again, darling. And having new men in my life has made me think about you often. I have to pinch myself sometimes… really, really pinch myself. I finally know what it feels like to be treated with kindness and respect. My promise to you is that I will never give my heart to a man who doesn’t love you and understand that you will always be a big part of my life. You taught me so much that I can never go back on and for that, any man who loves me should also love you. I promise to never give my heart to a man who doesn’t adore me and give me everything I would give him. I promise your little life will not be in vain, I will take everything you ever taught me and I will run with it.

Baby, I am the happiest I have ever been. The only void in my life is you and I am filling it with laughter, joy, friends, love and some tears when I need a good cry. I will always have a Paizley-shaped hole in my heart, but because of your sacrifice, I was able to move on and find real happiness. Things do happen for a reason, I know.

I know you are waiting to come back for when you have a daddy who loves your momma and cares for her. Your moment will come, love, and on that day, you will be the most vibrant, bright, shiny star. I can’t wait to meet you again. Until then, I will continue to carry your ashes with me and think about you every day with every fiber of me.

Paizley's Big Brother

The way that Riley says Paizley's name is so damn cute! It's been awhile since I talked to him about her. The other night we were cuddling on the couch and he pointed to my necklace, as he does a lot, and says, "There's my sister," but this time he said, "Paiz-ee." I almost lost it for a moment, tearing up. I had to smile and look away. I don't want him to think of her with saddness. When he is older and he can understand, I want him to be happy she existed in our lives, even if for just a short while.

Having Riley in my life has been such a blessing. I am growing more and more as a person by being around him and helping to raise him. I love to spend time with him and love to have that one-on-one time. It's times like those where I truly see how lucky we are to have such an amazing kid.

The best thing about Riley is that he is such a sweetheart. He's so caring and loving and he truly makes me proud for that. On top of it all, he's funny and smart and... just amazing.

Seeing Riley around his friends really cracks me up. He's got these little girlfriends that he adores and he is so good with them. One little girl, Penny, is younger by about a year and a half and he is so gentle and caring with her. Penny and Riley clicked right off the bat. Even when she was barely walking, he tried to be a good friend to her. Goodbyes were always so precious. Riley and Penny would hold onto eachother with a giant hug and neither would let go. Coming back from the park the other day, they rode in the stroller together. Riley sat behind Penny and hugged her around the waist the whole way back. She would lean back and put her head on his shoulder and whisper in his ear. It was the cutest thing in the world.

His friend Hannah is older and it doens't make any difference to him. He still watches out for her. He shares all his toys without any complaint. And he trys to hold on to her when they are going down the slide at the park. He's such a good boy.

Although I want these moments with Riley to slow down so we can truly enjoy them, I can't wait to see the wonderful man he will surely become. I can't wait for him to eventually become that amazing older brother that he was to be for our Paizley. I know after watching him with Penny and Hannah, that he will be the best older brother in the world. He will be caring and loving. He will protect and share. He will be a good friend. And that is everything you could ask for in a sibling. I know Paizley is watching down wishing she was here to be his little sister. The important thing is he knows she was a part of our lives and when he points out his sister "Paiz-ee", I know he does.

Paizley's Mom

Mother's Day... Ugghhhh Mother's Day.

What do you say when it's your first Mother's Day as the Mom of an angel baby? This is really going to be a tough one for me. Yes, I have a step-son; I love him and adore him, but I won't get any recognition for that on Mother's Day. I'm not his mom. I do consider myself his second mom. I have taken the role of his mom while he is at our house since he was 8 months old. I have done everything for him that his mother does, but give birth to him. It's a thankless job, really. And the only time I really noticed how thankless it is, is when I was thinking about how different Mother's Day is going to be for me this year.

I have a mom. I have grandmas. I certainly love to show them how much I appreciate them on Mother's Day. I will be doing that again this year, of course. It doens't change the fact that I am missing out on being a mother on Mother's Day. I'm missing out on being a new mom. I have pictured in my mind over and over dressing my little 4-month-old in her little Mother's Day outfit and going over to Mom's with my new little baby and everyone gushing over her because of her beautiful face and bright red hair. She would probably be smiling by now... probably rolling over. She would be her momma's joy.

Until Paizley Has a Sister or Brother coming...

I don't want to hear about one more person who just found out they are pregnant. I don't want to see one more ultrasound picture. I don't want to see any more of those stupid, disgustingly cute, professional newborn pictures. I don't want to see another email from Target or Walmart advertising cheap nursery items. How did I even get on that list anyways?? Seems like someone's evil trick. I don't want to hear about any of it. So everyone.... just STOP getting pregnant until it happens for me, okay?!?!


I feel really selfish about saying this... but it's how I feel and I suppose I am entitled to it.

Paizley Pain Subsides

"Humans are not meant to experience that kind of emotion. It was the greatest day of my life then it turned out to be the worst" ~Michael Waltrip

I heard this man on the radio today talking about the horrific day that Dale Earnhardt died. He won the Daytona 500 because of the help of Dale Earnhardt and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and while on the winning block, found out Dale had died in a wreck during the race. He talked about how the very greatest moment in his entire life, the most exciting moment, turned into a nightmare in an instant. Then he talked about how he learned to cope with it.

I feel for this guy. I know exactly what he means. He is right, humans are not meant to experience that kind of emotion... so very true. The day I went in to find out the sex of my little girl was the most exciting day of my life. I couldn't contain myself, I was so excited. Then, in an instant, it changed.

I think that I changed when that happened. I feel different, more humble, more grateful. For awhile there, my whole world was crashing down. Everything I had known for the past five months was gone. Everything I had dreamed of for my whole life was taken away... in an instant, it was all gone. She was still there, though, and I thank God that she was there to comfort me for a few days while I absorbed the shock. Unlike Michael Waltrip, who never got to say goodbye to his great friend, I was able to hold her within me and send her love.

I realized yesterday when reading a post on a pregnancy site that I have come a long way. There was a post by someone who had just found out that their baby was not as perfect as could be, that she would have to go through what I went through and I was able to feel for her but tell her it does get better. Although I still miss that little girl, I am not an emotional wreck anymore like I was for awhile. Although I still cry every time I think of her, the pain has subsided. When we lost the baby, I thought that if I wasn't pregnant again right away, I may explode or spontaneously combust or worse. I know now, that isn't true. It's been seven and a half months since we lost little Paizley and I'm still here. But I can't help but think that if we would have tried right away I'd be half-way there by now. Oh well. Life goes on. That's what I have found. Nomatter what happens in life, as long as my heart is still beating, life... goes... on.

Where Oh Where Can My Paizley Be?

Oh where, oh where can my baby be?
The Lord took her away from me
She's gone to heaven so I gotta be good
So I can see my baby when I leave this world

I heard that song driving around the other day and broke into tears... again. Although her passing has gotten easier as time has gone by, I still cry EVERY time I think about her. It's especially hard right now while I'm feeling distant from my husband. It's hard not to cling onto her when I'm sad. When I think of a brighter future and what I would want my life to be like, she's in it. And lately, I've wanted my life to take a different shape a whole lot.