Paizley Pain Subsides

"Humans are not meant to experience that kind of emotion. It was the greatest day of my life then it turned out to be the worst" ~Michael Waltrip

I heard this man on the radio today talking about the horrific day that Dale Earnhardt died. He won the Daytona 500 because of the help of Dale Earnhardt and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and while on the winning block, found out Dale had died in a wreck during the race. He talked about how the very greatest moment in his entire life, the most exciting moment, turned into a nightmare in an instant. Then he talked about how he learned to cope with it.

I feel for this guy. I know exactly what he means. He is right, humans are not meant to experience that kind of emotion... so very true. The day I went in to find out the sex of my little girl was the most exciting day of my life. I couldn't contain myself, I was so excited. Then, in an instant, it changed.

I think that I changed when that happened. I feel different, more humble, more grateful. For awhile there, my whole world was crashing down. Everything I had known for the past five months was gone. Everything I had dreamed of for my whole life was taken away... in an instant, it was all gone. She was still there, though, and I thank God that she was there to comfort me for a few days while I absorbed the shock. Unlike Michael Waltrip, who never got to say goodbye to his great friend, I was able to hold her within me and send her love.

I realized yesterday when reading a post on a pregnancy site that I have come a long way. There was a post by someone who had just found out that their baby was not as perfect as could be, that she would have to go through what I went through and I was able to feel for her but tell her it does get better. Although I still miss that little girl, I am not an emotional wreck anymore like I was for awhile. Although I still cry every time I think of her, the pain has subsided. When we lost the baby, I thought that if I wasn't pregnant again right away, I may explode or spontaneously combust or worse. I know now, that isn't true. It's been seven and a half months since we lost little Paizley and I'm still here. But I can't help but think that if we would have tried right away I'd be half-way there by now. Oh well. Life goes on. That's what I have found. Nomatter what happens in life, as long as my heart is still beating, life... goes... on.