Millions of Babies but None are Paizleys

Part of losing a baby is coping with the fact that your baby wasn’t the first pregnancy and won’t be the last. Well, most people would say, “Duh” but unless you have experienced the pain of losing a child (or the pain of desperately wanting one, but not getting pregnant), you won’t know what that feeling is like. Every time I see a mother and her child, I want that. I think about how my baby girl would be xx old now (one month tomorrow, actually) and I wonder what that would be like. Every time I see a mother with her child, I want to cry and break down, I want to scream, I want to lock myself in a closet for awhile… pretty much every time. Every time I hear someone else is expecting, I go through a series of sadness, joy, jealously, wanting, anger, happiness… where is my Paizley girl?? Every time yet another person posts the pictures of them and their significant other in the delivery room taking their first look at their precious little bundle of joy, I cry. It’s not a “why me”, per se; it’s a “sad it’s not me.” I don’t want to speculate why this happened to me. It happened, that’s it. And it happened to me. But I’ll be damned if I don’t feel sadness thinking about the fact that she’s not here when she was supposed to be. It’s not that I don’t want others to have that joy, I just want it too.

You get to a certain age where it’s pretty much breeding season, kind of like hunting season, but one that lasts about 5-10 years. During this span from about age 25-35, you can pretty much bet that at least 6 people you know, at any given point in time, are expecting a child or just had their baby. Now, back to hunting… you’ve been waiting for this season to hit for a long, long time; you’re out with all your gear, in the rain/sleet/snow for weeks on end and you’re the one person who doesn’t come home with an elk. It’s a pretty sad story. You can’t wait to try your best friend’s elk burgers, of course, but it’s pretty bittersweet having that thought in the back of your head that you just wanted your elk. Well folks, it’s hunting season and I am the elk-less bitch here.