Paizley are you okay? Are you okay? Are you okay, Paizley?

Next to giving birth to an angel baby, the procedure for terminating a pregnancy is pretty much the worst thing you can possibly go through. There are very few places I could have gone for this type of thing, and only one my genetic specialist said he would trust sending his daughter to, a very good friends of his. A lot of these places are “turn-em-and-burn-em” type offices that perform tons of first trimester abortion procedures. It makes me sick to my stomach to think about. Sitting in the waiting room, everyone is sizing each other up. It’s a pretty crazy thing to be sitting across from another woman who is there to erase her pregnancy in one swift swoop. Or is she? I wondered how many women in that room were in the shitty predicament we were in. How many had loved that baby as much as I did? It couldn’t be possible though that every woman in the room was there to relieve her beloved baby from the pain of death during birth like myself. That is when the cruel process of sizing up begins. I sat and wondered which one of these horrible bitches were there to end the life of their perfect fetuses. I wondered how many men they had fucked to get to where they were and if any were getting rid of evidence of infidelity. And I got angry, real angry. I wished for this little girl since I was old enough to name my dolls. Ryan and I had her name picked out before we even knew she existed. And here I am in a room, surrounded by women who are willingly giving up their opportunity to live my biggest dream. That anger, was an anger to be reckoned with. 

On top of the heartbreak, the process is a long and grueling one. It’s a full three days of office visits, pain, procedures, pill popping and goodbyes, all mixed in with a little bit of hope. This is what you go through when you want your baby. Those that do not are in and out in a matter of hours, ready to begin to forget.

I have to admit, I was blessed with a very amazing team of doctors and genetic specialists. The doctors at the clinic were so great to me. They really understood what I was going through and made it so that it was as easy for me as possible. The first day was the very painful procedure of inserting lamanaria into my cervix to dilate me. I was warned that my water might break, rare but possible. I was sent home to rest, grieve and await another day of dreaded procedures. The next morning I woke up and my water had broken. I was in panic. I got to the clinic early and was told that it was perfectly fine for that to happen, in fact, welcomed because it helps the procedure along. My main concern was the baby. How would she live without the fluid to survive? And the answer I choked on was…. She wouldn’t. She would probably not make it till the next day’s procedures. There was no telling how long it would take, but she would not make it. I had more laminaria put in and left to go rest off the pain.

I went home that day knowing it would be my last chance to talk to her. I was scared to not have her with me and prepared myself for the feeling of an empty nest. That last day with her was a day I will never forget. I spoke to her soul. I let that baby girl know how much her mommy loved her. I let her know not to be afraid, that everything would work out. And I begged her to come back to us through the next baby. And then something happened that I wasn’t prepared for; something that made all the fear and anguish wash away… my angel grew wings.

I lay on the couch trying to sleep. It had been a long, emotional couple of days and I needed some rest to recharge. My eyes were closed, but my body would not allow me to doze off. I had this lingering itch that would not go away. First my arm would itch a little, then my face, then my leg. It was preventing me from getting to sleep and I was getting a little annoyed. All of a sudden, I felt this huge, intense wave rush through my entire body. It was so intense; I thought maybe I had overdosed on my medication. I continued to close my eyes and with them closed I could see the energies of our three dogs. It was like I was seeing the room, but with my eyes closed. I could see exactly where each dog was lying based on the energy they put off. Then I noticed I wasn’t alone. There were two other energies in the room with me… people. One was standing next to me and the other was on the other side of the coffee table. All this happened so quickly that I wasn’t really paying attention to what was going on. I opened my eyes quickly because I felt the need to make sure I was really alone in the house. It was all one split second. I closed my eyes upon seeing nothing but the dogs and then... it HIT me. It hit me like a ton of bricks. I started to cry uncontrollably realizing what had just happened: She just died. She passed over and the two presences were there to bring her over. I had literally felt her spirit leave my body. It was simply amazing. At that moment, I knew she was okay. All my fear of her experiencing any pain with the procedure was gone. All my fear of if she would be okay was gone. I felt so at peace knowing that she was with people who loved her. About thirty minutes later, I got up to go to the bathroom. On the way, I glanced over at a picture of Ryan’s grandma and although I never got a chance to meet her because she passed away before Ryan and I met, I looked at that woman and I said to her, “You were just here!” I knew it was her who came to get Paizley.

From that day forward, I felt more comfortable with what was happening. I miss her like hell; don’t get me wrong. But I miss her because of my selfishness. I miss her because she was the closest I ever got to my dream coming true. She is okay. She is in a good place. She left in peace and her family greeted her. She didn’t have to suffer or feel any pain on the wretched day that followed.

I woke up the next morning and took the special pill they gave me. As promised, thirty minutes later I was in extreme labor. Poor Ryan had to listen to me screaming in pain as he raced me to the clinic in rush hour morning traffic. We got there early and had to wait for the doctors to show up to the office. It was an excruciating wait.  They finally showed up and let me into the back room.

There was a particular nurse I really liked at the clinic that I was going to. She was always so sweet and helpful. I think she really felt for me. What I was going through saddened her. She saw the pain in my eyes and how much I wanted my baby. The last day of procedures, the big day, I told her as she gave me my IV what had happened the day before. I told her about how I knew Paizley was okay and she broke down crying. She told me that for some reason, she really connected with me. She opened up to me about her life, about her current heartbreak and about her dreams as I was drifting into twilight sleep. It made me feel a little better knowing someone there was acknowledging the pain I was enduring for a little girl I loved so much.

I don’t remember much from the procedure; I guess that’s the point of putting you under. I do remember looking over at the big glass jar with hoses petruding out next to me, the one I had seen both days prior when I had wondered how many babies had made their way into it. I looked over with twilight eyes and saw the jar was not empty as before and I managed to get out of my mouth, “Is that my baby?” as I drifted away again. And then I was on my way to recovery (where I had an embarassing, though hilarious bathroom experience I would never put in writing but will tell you over a beer one day if you wanna know).

Recovery now is writing about her; sharing my experience. Recovery now is remembering her and looking forward to new beginnings. Recovery now is helping maybe just one woman who has had to go through what I have been through. Maybe one woman will read this and know she isn’t alone. Maybe one woman who is thinking about ending her baby’s life will read this and change her mind knowing that she could make her dreams come true if she would just take a step back and think about what matters. Recovery is full of maybes…

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